Dear Tony,
I feel stuck. I want to change, to grow, to become better. But every time I try, it just feels hard—emotionally, mentally, even physically. Why does self-improvement come with so much struggle?

I’m glad you asked, because it’s a question I think more people wrestle with than they care to admit. We all love the idea of growth—but we don’t always love the process. That’s because true transformation doesn’t happen without friction. It rarely comes wrapped in ease or comfort.

Years ago, I heard a quote by Alexis Carrel that hit me hard:
“Man cannot remake himself without suffering, for he is both the marble and the sculptor.” Think about that for a moment. You’re not just the artist dreaming of change—you’re also the stone being reshaped by your own hand.

We often want to chisel away the things we don’t like about ourselves: impatience, fear, bad habits, limiting beliefs. But what we forget is that chiseling—real chiseling—requires effort. It’s loud. Messy. Sometimes painful.

In 2005, I was passed over for a role I had been working toward for years. It was humbling—and if I’m honest, it hurt. I had checked all the boxes, taken all the right steps, and built what I thought was a strong case. But someone else was chosen.

I could have stayed stuck in resentment. Instead, I asked myself a hard question: What is this trying to teach me?

That season became one of the most transformational periods of my life. I didn’t just polish the surface—I went deep. I sought feedback I didn’t want to hear. I confronted blind spots I didn’t know I had. I invested in books, mentors, and moments of uncomfortable self-honesty.

Was it easy? Not for a second. But slowly, I started to see change—not just in what I did, but in who I was becoming. And a year later, a different door opened. One I wouldn’t have noticed before.

Here’s the truth:
Growth hurts. But so does staying the same. One kind of pain leads to purpose. The other leads to regret.

If you’re in the middle of something hard right now—maybe trying to break a pattern, shift a mindset, or rebuild after a loss—don’t beat yourself up for struggling. You’re doing sacred work. You’re reshaping a life.

And you’re not alone.

Here are four reminders for anyone walking through the fire of transformation:

1. Don’t fear the friction.
   It means you're doing the work. The discomfort is not a sign of failure—it’s evidence of growth. Embrace it. Let it sculpt you.
2. Progress isn’t always visible.
   Just because you can’t see immediate change doesn’t mean it’s not happening. Some breakthroughs take time to rise to the surface. Keep going.
3. Get help with the hammer.
   Even the best sculptors need apprentices and advisors. Surround yourself with people who see your potential—and aren’t afraid to challenge you to reach it.
4. Remember what you’re building.
   This isn’t just about removing flaws. It’s about revealing something beautiful, strong, and uniquely you.

The person you’re becoming? They’re worth the struggle.

So to the person who wrote in: if it feels hard, it’s because it is hard. But that’s what makes it meaningful. You are carving something new out of the raw material of your own life. And one day, maybe not far from now, you’ll look back and realize you weren’t just getting through—you were becoming.

Keep going. You’re not broken. You’re becoming.

Check out my website for FREE resources and more at www.therivercoach.org

Got a question? Send it directly to Tony at [email protected]